Confronting the Darkness
I have these opposing forces at work in the alchemy of my doula heart.
On one side, there is a willingness to ‘confront the darkness’. On the other side there is deep yearning for, mixed with a deep fear of VISIBILITY.
What do I mean by confronting the darkness?
In my inner life, it has meant that I have actively sought to shed light on those parts of my psyche that are ‘in the shadow’. Why is it, I’ve long asked myself, easier to center the emotional experience of others around me, while it’s difficult to validate my own truth? What about my own emotional truth is painful to confront, and why did I leave it out in the darkness, to dwindle, to die a cold and slow death?
What is it that I’m unwilling to see or understand?
This happens to be an example where I’ve made a lot of progress; my confrontation, if you will, has borne fruit. Over many years of therapy and my own internal processes of reflection and writing, I’ve come to recognize that I often feel threatened by validating my own emotional truth, it feels too risky, it feels that I may be risking relationship to speak my emotional truth. But I’ve challenged that more and more over the past several years and recently it feels like it’s paying off.
Now, to convey the strange parallel of both allure towards and fear of visibility…
As a child, I was painfully shy.
Well, okay, maybe not quite painfully. But I remember that the world of grownups, the world of interactions and the spotlight of small talk that was thrown a child’s way - it was too much… too loud, too unexpected, too much attention.
Like a beam of sun blasting its rays right in the eye, I raised my hand to shield myself, turning my cheek away, chin down, eyelids wincing closed. I withdrew from a sunny spotlight that felt wholly overwhelming in nature.
But when it came time to try out for the school play?
Well surprise, surprise - this shy girl has landed lead roles.
You see, being on stage - I wanted it so badly. I rehearsed for tryouts with the confidence of Lady Gaga. I could see a version of myself when I was reciting my lines and I could play that role, I could project my voice, I could channel that spotlight.
What the heck does any of this have to do with end-of-life care?
I’m glad you’re asking, because I was just getting there.
This past month, these two forces shaping my doula heart - well, they’ve been surfacing.
Surfacing a lot.
Recently I got an email where the sender shared with me that she heard of my doula practice mentioned at a volunteer meeting, and was inspired by Threshold Circle and moved to learn more about end-of-life doula work. She was interested in possibly collaborating!
Remember that blinding light of too-much Visibility?
My heart palpitated with glee and fear all at once. I was moved to know that the word has gotten out about my doula practice, and about Threshold Circle, but then… worry/fear kicked in.
I worried that my website was giving a poor first impression…
I worried that I wouldn’t have capacity to collaborate…
I worried that I wouldn’t be enough…
And then I took a breath.
I realized I had started spiraling. Whew!
Yup, my monkey mind had officially taken over.
In another moment from the past weeks, as I held the hand of a woman dying, she confessed that she didn’t want to talk with me about death and dying. Just a few days prior, I had finally worked up the courage to say the ‘D-word.’ Sensing an avoidance of encountering death openly, but increasingly aware that her time was limited, I had asked if she would like to talk about death.
A few days later, I had my answer.
It was a hesitant but firm ‘no.’
Of course, I understood - centering her voice and her truth - the doula way.
The old me may not have even worked up the chutzpah to name death openly - but here I was, sitting there, her hand in mine. Confronting the darkness.
This doula work has a way of making you, it does.